How to officiate a wedding

If someone you care about asked you to officiate their wedding, congratulations. They just gave you one of the coolest jobs at the wedding and, quite possibly, one you have absolutely no idea how to do.

That’s normal. Getting ordained is usually the easy part. Then you realize you’re responsible for figuring out what to say, where to stand, whether you’re supposed to run the rehearsal, when everyone sits down, what happens with the rings, and what you’re supposed to do with a marriage license after two people kiss in front of you.

I’ve been officiating weddings for more than 19 years and have performed more than 1,000 ceremonies. Most of mine are modern and nonreligious, although I also officiate faith based ceremonies when that’s what the couple wants. The mechanics of doing this well are pretty much the same either way.

Your job isn’t to memorize a beautiful speech. Your job is to know the ceremony well enough that you can actually lead it.

This guide takes you from the moment you agree to officiate through the paperwork after the wedding.

Step 1

Make sure you can legally officiate the wedding

Before you write a word, find out what the law requires where the wedding is actually taking place. Not where you live. Not where the couple lives. Where they’re getting married.

Depending on the state and county, you may need to be ordained, register before the ceremony, provide credentials, or follow other local requirements. Don’t rely on something a friend remembers from a wedding in another state. Check the appropriate government office for the wedding location.

If you’re still figuring this part out, read who can officiate a wedding and how to get ordained to perform weddings. Then verify the current requirements locally.

Step 2

Talk to the couple before you start writing

You may know these people incredibly well. Talk to them anyway.

Ask what they want the ceremony to feel like. Funny? Warm? Short? Romantic? Religious? Completely nonreligious? Ask what they absolutely do not want. Ask whether they’re writing personal vows, whether family members are reading, whether there are cultural or religious traditions to include, and whether they want parts of the ceremony to be a surprise.

Then get beyond logistics.

How did they meet? When did each of them realize this was serious? What do they love about each other that has nothing to do with the obvious stuff? What does one of them do that drives the other crazy but somehow became endearing? What has their relationship already survived? What does an ordinary Tuesday look like for them?

When I asked wedding officiants how they keep track of these details, 59% of the respondents said they still use pen and paper. Others use forms, Google Docs, laptops, CRMs or recordings. That poll included working officiants, so it shouldn’t be read as research about first time officiants. I don’t care what system you use. I care that you capture the good stuff before you forget it.

Step 3

Decide how personal the ceremony should be

Not every couple wants their entire relationship story told in front of everyone they’ve ever met. That’s fine.

You can personalize one paragraph or the entire ceremony. You can keep most of the ceremony classic and add a few details that could only belong to these two people. Or you can build the whole thing around their relationship. There isn’t a prize for using the most personal information.

The goal is recognition. At some point, the couple should hear something and think, “Yep. That’s us.”

Specific beats generic every time. “They love to travel” could describe half the couples getting married this weekend. The ridiculous thing that happened on their third date, the Sunday morning routine they never miss, or the way one of them quietly took care of the other during a terrible year tells you something.

Step 4

Build the ceremony in an order that makes sense

You don’t have to follow one sacred wedding ceremony outline. I certainly don’t anymore. But a first time officiant needs a roadmap.

At its simplest, a ceremony needs a beginning that settles everyone in, a middle that says something worth hearing about love and the couple, the legal or ceremonial promises they make to each other, and an ending that clearly gets them married and gets everybody cheering.

My ceremonies have traditionally used pieces such as welcoming the guests, opening remarks, readings, vows, rings, optional unity or cultural elements, and a pronouncement. Those pieces can move, disappear or expand depending on the couple.

One correction to a lot of wedding advice, including older versions of my own, you do not need three readings and a unity ceremony just because somebody handed you an outline. Use something because it earns its place.

If a reading sounds exactly like the couple, great. If their grandfather is reading something meaningful, great. If lighting a candle matters to their families, do it. If none of that fits them, leave it out.

Step 5

Write for the ear, not the page

A wedding ceremony isn’t an essay. Nobody gets to reread the sentence you just said.

Read every section out loud while you’re writing it. If you run out of breath, the sentence is probably too long. If you keep stumbling over the same phrase, rewrite it. If a paragraph sounds impressive on your laptop but weird coming out of your mouth, trust your mouth.

This is also where first time officiants get themselves in trouble with borrowed material. A reading can be beautiful and still sound nothing like you. A ceremony can be technically perfect and still feel like you’re performing somebody else’s words.

If a paragraph sounds impressive on your laptop but weird coming out of your mouth, trust your mouth.

Step 6

Practice the ceremony out loud until you can look up

I don’t mean memorize it.

I want you familiar enough with the ceremony that your face isn’t buried in the page. Know where the laugh is likely to come. Know where you need to slow down. Know the names. Know the transitions. Know what comes after the vows so you aren’t silently flipping pages while everyone watches you.

Delivery is not decoration added after the writing is finished. Delivery changes the writing.

Emphasis, pauses, eye contact and pace can make the same sentence feel funny, sincere, awkward or completely forgettable. Practice until you know what you mean when you say the words.

Step 7

Run the rehearsal like you know what happens next

The rehearsal is where you remove uncertainty before the wedding day.

You don’t need to perform the whole ceremony. In fact, I prefer not to burn the good material the night before. What everyone needs to know is how they get in, where they stand, what happens with the rings, who has the vows, when readers move, what happens after the kiss, and how everyone gets back out.

Confirm the processional order. Put people where you want them. Make sure the couple knows where to stand. Decide who has the rings before the ceremony starts instead of discovering during the ceremony that they’re in a purse three rows back.

My wedding rehearsal guide goes much deeper into this part.

Step 8

Arrive early and talk to the other wedding professionals

Don’t arrive five minutes before the ceremony with your script and assume everybody else has handled everything.

Find the planner or venue coordinator. Introduce yourself to the DJ or audio person and test the microphone. Find the photographer and make sure you aren’t standing somewhere that ruins the kiss photo. Confirm the wedding party is actually there. Find anyone doing a reading or participating in a ceremony element and make sure they know what they’re doing.

I’ve intentionally kept recordings from before some of my ceremonies because this part of officiating matters. There is a transition from joking with the couple and coordinating with vendors to the moment you turn toward the guests and lead the ceremony. The script doesn’t show any of that, but the job includes all of it.

Step 9

Pay attention to what’s happening, not just what’s on the page

You can spend hours or even days writing the perfect ceremony, but life is what happens when you’re busy making plans.

I once had a groomsman faint while I was holding the microphone for the groom during the ring exchange. He recovered, fainted again, came to, and then went down a third time near the end of the ceremony. At another wedding, a bride got sick from nerves the moment she reached the front.

Neither situation was in my script.

The first time the groomsman appeared to recover, I rushed through the rest of a serious moment instead of stopping completely. In hindsight, I should have stopped. That’s one of the useful things about experience, sometimes it means knowing what you’d do differently next time.

When the groom eventually asked me to wrap up the ceremony, I did. I went straight to the pronouncement, gave it extra energy, and got the crowd cheering for the couple while other people took care of his friend.

You can hear the actual ceremony audio and the full story here.

Look up. Watch the couple. Watch the wedding party. Listen to the room. If something changes, the plan may need to change with it.

Step 10

Know exactly how you’re ending the ceremony

Don’t improvise the last thirty seconds unless you’re very comfortable doing this.

The ending has jobs to do. You need to make whatever declaration is required for the marriage where you’re officiating, pronounce the couple married, create a clean moment for the kiss, and then get out of the photographer’s shot.

Practice the names in the pronouncement. Practice the final sentence. Know whether the couple wants to be introduced with a shared last name, two names, or no formal introduction at all.

The last 30 seconds

Finish like you meant to finish it.

Practice the names, the pronouncement and the final sentence. Then cue the kiss and move out of the photographer’s shot.

Step 11

Handle the marriage license before you celebrate too hard

Your legal responsibility doesn’t necessarily end when everybody applauds.

Marriage license rules differ by location, so before the wedding you should know who signs it, whether witnesses are required, what information you need to complete, who returns it, where it goes, and the deadline.

Don’t guess. Don’t assume the couple knows. Verify the instructions for the license they actually obtained.

Then sign it carefully. This is not the place to discover you don’t know what title you’re supposed to write or that you’ve been using the wrong date all day.

So, what does a first time wedding officiant really need to know?

You need to be legal. You need to understand the couple. You need a ceremony that has a reason for everything in it. You need to practice it out loud. You need to know the rehearsal and wedding-day logistics. You need to pay attention when the plan changes. And you need to finish the paperwork correctly.

That’s the job.

Writing matters. Personalization matters as much or as little as the couple wants it to. But the words are only useful if you can stand in front of the people who trusted you with this moment and deliver them like you mean them. You’re not simply trying to finish a ceremony without making a mistake. You’re helping create one of the memories the couple and their families may carry for the rest of their lives.

Where to go next