Someone has a reading. Mom is lighting a candle. Family members are adding letters to a box.
There’s a surprisingly good chance nobody actually told them.
Couples add people they love to their ceremony all the time. Guest readings, unity candles, wine boxes, letter boxes and little family rituals can make the ceremony better.
They also create more places for something to go sideways.
I’ve had moms discover shortly before the ceremony that they’re supposed to light candles. I’ve had family members find out they’re expected to put letters in a box when they never wrote one. Guest readers sometimes show up having barely looked at what they’re supposed to read.
Most of the time nobody did anything wrong. The couple had 500 wedding details in their head and assumed somebody else told them.
Find every ceremony participant before you start
Go through your ceremony before the wedding and make a mental list of anybody besides the couple who has a job.
That might be a guest reader, someone lighting a unity candle, family members participating in a wine or letter box, the person holding the rings, or whoever is escorting someone down the aisle.
Then find those people before guests are seated. Introduce yourself and tell them exactly what will happen.
You don’t need to turn it into another rehearsal. Thirty seconds is often enough.
When the family never wrote the letters
Don’t let their panic become the couple’s problem
I’ve had this happen at weddings two weeks in a row. The ceremony includes a letter or wine box, I invite family members up to deposit letters they’ve written to the couple, and shortly before the ceremony I discover nobody told the family they were supposed to write anything.
People get stressed immediately. They think they’ve screwed up part of the wedding.
I tell them it’s no big deal and that it happens all the time.
If they don’t have paper, I’ll find some. They can put blank pieces of paper in the box during the ceremony and write their actual letters of blessings, encouragement and support after the wedding.
The couple doesn’t need stressed family members five minutes before the ceremony. Solve what you can and give everybody permission to relax.
When a guest reader hasn’t practiced
Get them to read it out loud at least once
I always ask guest readers whether they’ve practiced the reading out loud.
I’ve had plenty of guys brush me off with, “I got it, man.” Then they get in front of everybody, trip over the words, lose their place and realize reading silently and reading into a microphone are two different things.
I used to push harder. Now I’d keep it simple.
“Great. Do me one favor before we start. Find somewhere quiet and read it out loud once. It’ll feel different with people looking at you, and we all want this to be great for them.”
I also show them my own ceremony pages. I underline words where I want to change my voice or put emphasis. Those marks help me keep my place and let me look up from the page.
That makes the advice feel less like I’m correcting them and more like we’re both doing the same job.
Prepare the person escorting the bride
Never surprise somebody with a microphone
Before the ceremony, I ask the bride who is escorting her down the aisle and whether she wants me to acknowledge that person when they reach the front.
The old fashioned version is, “Who gives this woman away?” I don’t use that. She’s not a possession being handed from one man to another.
I might instead ask:
“Who has the honor of escorting Bride down the aisle and presenting her to Groom?”
If we’re doing that, I find the person escorting her before the ceremony and tell them I’m going to ask the question. I don’t want to stick a microphone in Dad’s face and make him figure out an answer while everybody watches.
They usually ask me, “What do most people say?” I tell them they can say whatever they like, but something as simple as “I’m her dad, and it’s my honor” works perfectly.
Check the little ceremony jobs too
Not every participant has a speaking role.
If someone is lighting a candle, make sure they know when they’re coming up and where the lighter is. If someone has the rings, make sure they actually have the rings. If somebody is bringing an item forward for a unity ceremony, make sure the item is there.
These checks take almost no time and they’re much easier before the ceremony than during it.
Don’t embarrass someone who isn’t prepared
If you discover a problem, fix it quietly.
Don’t announce that Mom forgot her letter. Don’t tease the reader because he didn’t practice. Don’t tell the couple that somebody dropped the ball unless they actually need to know.
You’re not there to assign blame. You’re there to keep the ceremony moving and make everyone around the couple feel comfortable.
That’s a big part of officiating that doesn’t show up in the script.
Prepared people make you more prepared
As the officiant, you should know what happens next. Helping everyone else know what happens next is part of the same job.
You don’t need to micromanage the wedding. Find the people who actually participate in the ceremony, tell them what’s coming, and make sure they have what they need.
Then when you call their name, they can enjoy being part of the moment instead of wondering why everybody is suddenly looking at them.
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What to read next
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Wedding ceremony participant questions
Should guest readers practice before the wedding?
Yes. Ask them to read their selection out loud at least once before the ceremony. Speaking into a microphone in front of guests feels very different from silently reading the words.
What should I tell a wedding ceremony reader before they speak?
Tell them when you’ll call them up, where to stand, where the microphone will be and what happens when they’re finished. Then encourage them to practice out loud.
What if family members forgot letters for a wedding letter box?
Don’t panic. If necessary, let them place blank paper in the box during the ceremony and write the actual letters after the wedding. The ritual still happens and nobody needs to stress the couple out.
Should an officiant ask who gives the bride away?
Only if the couple wants that moment. I prefer language such as asking who has the honor of escorting the bride rather than saying she is being “given away.” Prepare the person answering before the ceremony.
Who should an officiant check with before the ceremony starts?
In addition to the couple and wedding professionals, check with anyone who has an actual ceremony role: readers, candle lighters, ring holders, family ritual participants and anyone expected to answer a question or come forward.
