Wedding disagreements are normal but fortunately, don’t happen to me all that often. You’ve been asked to officiate a wedding, but at the end of the day, it’s their ceremony and should be the way your couple wants it. It’s a presentation of their truth, not yours or mine.

However, I’ll offer my honest guidance away from anything that might embarrass them or someone in attendance. I’m generally careful with sarcasm because not everyone gets it, overly religious content that might make people uncomfortable, or readings that I just don’t like. If your couple selects a reading that you can’t read and sound as if you genuinely mean it, suggest they have a friend or family member come up to read it.

BUT, having too many guest readers is a fairly common issue. I find that it’s best to call for a round of applause after a guest reader finishes. It kills the dead air and allows them to feel comfortable as they return to their seat after reading. Calling for a round of applause more than twice is redundant, so I ask couples to have no more than two guest readers.

Couples sometimes provide me with ceremony material they found online. I usually cringe inside because the material is usually traditional and often sounds like Shakespeare, but I do my best to meld the material they found with my own and to honor their request. Don’t be afraid to re-word what they gave you. It’s possible to say the same thing, but worded in a way that will allow you to sound more genuine as it’s coming out of your mouth.

We just disagree

I find it helpful to remember that I am the couple’s trusted servant, who was asked to officiate because they’re confident I’ll do a good job. My ego must be kept in check. It’s their wedding and their day so I do my best to be flexible and to allow it to go down the way they envision.

Be sure to check out my next article, where I’ll give away my wedding rehearsal guide.  Click here. Until then, stay well!

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Many couples choose ceremony elements that include their guests, like the wine box, letter box, unity candle, guest readings, etc. and often times those guests aren’t prepared.  Most of the time it’s because the couple forgot to tell them, so I’m always sure to introduce myself to anyone who’s participating before the ceremony begins. Roughly 1/3 of the time, moms aren’t told that they’re coming up to light candles or family hasn’t been asked to write letters for the couple’s letter box.

Two weeks in a row I’ve had couples use the letter box or wine box as their imagery, where I invite family members up to deposit letters they’ve written to the couple and exchange hugs. Family members usually get immediately stressed and freak out because they weren’t told and never wrote a letter to the couple.  

My job is to officiate, so I tell them that it’s no big deal and that it happens all the time.  The last thing the bride and groom needs are stressed out family members.  If they don’t have paper handy, I’ll find them a few pieces and tell them to bring up blank paper to deposit during the ceremony and to write letters of blessings, encouragement, and support later on, after the wedding.  This usually calms nerves immediately and gives them permission to relax.

Guest readers are often not prepared, too.  The male ego is an interesting thing.  I’ve asked so many guys if they practiced their reading out loud only to be brushed off and told, “I got it, man.”  They inevitably trip on their words and lose their place and bomb.  So, I’ve learned to tell them that we want the couple’s ceremony to kick ass and that takes a team effort.  

It’s a bit passive aggressive, but I then say something like, “Since everyone here wants their ceremony to be their best memory yet, I’m sure taking a few minutes alone to practice your guest reading out loud makes sense.  Right?”  I then show the guest reader how I underline words in my book where I’ll inflect my voice in some way and that it helps me to keep my place, so I can look up from the page.  That usually works and the reader then finds a quiet place to practice.

Before every ceremony, I’m sure to ask the bride who will escort her down the aisle and if she’d like me to ask, “Who has the honor of escorting Bride down the aisle and presenting her to the groom?”  The old-school way to say that is, “Who gives this woman away?” but times have changed and the bride’s not a possession or gift.  If she’d like me to ask, I’m sure to then speak to her dad, or whoever is escorting her down the aisle so that person knows I’m going to stick a microphone in their face, expecting an answer.  

I don’t want to surprise him and make him look foolish in front of all the guests, but when dad messes up, it’s usually funny and a great ice-breaker.  The bride’s dad is usually grateful for my introduction and attempt to prepare him prior to the ceremony.  Dad usually asks, “What do most people say?” and I tell him to please feel free to say whatever he likes, but most dads say something like, “I’m her dad and it’s my honor.”

As officiants, it’s our job to be prepared and to help others do the same.  Calming nerves and preparing others is part of the deal, and I love it and hope you do too!

Want other wedding vendors to be really nice to you?  You can read that article here.

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How is a non religious wedding ceremony different from a nondenominational wedding ceremony? It’s a question that I’m asked every now and then.

Nondenominational still implies that the ceremony is Christian in some way, without adhering to a particular sect of Christianity. There are many sects, with 30 or so main denominations.

A nonreligious wedding ceremony will have no mention of God or anything religious. It might still have spiritual elements, like stopping to breathe and soak in the moment, or acknowledging nature during the ceremony or by blessing the couple’s hands. Religious and spiritual are not the same thing and lots of people are spiritual, without necessarily being religious.

Nondenominational ceremonies mention God and are faith-based, but with so many different faiths and spiritual beliefs, I find it’s best to mention God as everyone’s homeboy.

I am not a Christian minister, so wedding attendees may have knowledge of the bible that’s far superior to my own. I only mention Jesus when specifically instructed to by my couple and usually ask if they have a religious family member who would like to come up to read it, or perhaps lead a prayer.

Every now and then I’ll meet a religious grandparent while at the wedding and receive 20 questions about my religious training. I tell that grandparent that I’m a nondenominational minister who honors the truth in all faiths and that the couple’s ceremony is fairly laid-back, but still honors God. That answer usually suffices. I understand that they’re only giving me the 3rd degree because they care.

Nonreligious wedding ceremonies are my specialty. They’re not religious in any sense, nor are they generally spiritual. There are quite a few religious ministers in my town, but few who will officiate a wedding that brings a gay couple together, or couples from two different faiths, or atheists. When two different faiths are present it can be best to have a ceremony totally free of anything spiritual, but can also include elements from each faith and honor both. The trick I’ve learned, is not to make anyone in attendance feel alienated.

Nonreligious wedding ceremonies are becoming more and more common. Perhaps because the lack of rules or defined way of doing things. They’re flexible. Sometimes a couple will have their dog as their ring bearer, a grandparent acting as flower girl, or even a surprise wedding. I’ve been fortunate enough to officiate three surprise weddings. One of those surprise weddings was a play in the couple’s backyard that turned out to be their wedding. The play was Roman themed and I dressed up as Julius Ceasar! Everyone in attendance was so surprised and it was one of my favorite wedding ceremonies.

Remember, your wedding is a presentation of YOUR TRUTH and no one else’s.

It’s important to know which type of ceremony is best for you, and it can easily be a blend. It’s tough when religious family members are paying for the celebration, and so a blended ceremony might please everyone involved. I often tell nonreligious couples who have religious family members that it might make sense to close their ceremony with something like, An Old Irish Blessing. It’s a great reading that anyone can appreciate and mentions God, so everyone wins. Check it out below.

An Old Irish Blessing: May the road rise to meet you. May the wind be always at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall soft upon your fields. May God hold you in the palm of his hand. May God be with you and bless you. May you see your children’s children. May you be rich in blessing and may you know nothing but happiness from this day forward, with the saddest day of your future being no worse than the happiest day of your past.

May warm rays of sun fall upon your home and may the hand of a friend always be near. May green be the grass you walk on. May blue be the skies above you. May pure be the joys that surround you and may true be the hearts that love you…

… “You are now, as your hearts have always known you to be, husband and wife. Groom, kiss your beautiful bride!” Then there’s a big smooch and the party begins.

So how does one officiate a wedding ceremony? Click here to find out!

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